In life, there are no accidents. Life is about choices, an exercise of free will --- a privilege bestowed upon Man by the Creator. It is like a box of chocolates, Forrest Gump’s mother used to say, you never know what you’re gonna get. But still, the act of choosing is there. At this point of my journey, I am quite at peace where I am. However, there still is some kind of restlessness within. I have been at crossroads many times before, finding the journey tiresome somewhat as I redound to intersection after intersection in the past seventeen (17) years. |
It was the summer before our senior year in high school. I am and my 140-plus strong batch mates in UPRHS Class of 1996 were absorbed in the UP College Admission Test (UPCAT) review and have been pondering over our choice campuses and courses, strategize-ing to ensure that we all get admitted to the University of the Philippines. It didn’t matter which campus, whether Diliman, Los Banos, Iloilo or Baguio, as long as we get accepted in UP. The die-hard motto, “UP or nothing”, reverberated through our psyche and pushed us all to do our best. Lucky me, I got accepted into my 1st choice course, BS Business Administration & Accountancy (BS BAA) at my 1st choice campus, UP Diliman, and also in Ateneo de Manila University (BS Management) and De La Salle University (BS Marketing Management). The choice would have been automatic, given the “UP or nothing” motto, but there were other factors that swayed my decision to choose instead DLSU. Looking back, I cannot remember the exact reason, but I felt at that time that my decision was based on my desire to please my parents and to pay for having a boyfriend in high school, a relationship I hid from them.
The course I chose was not actually the way through which I would have lived my childhood dream. As early as I can remember (I was in 1st Grade perhaps), I had first wanted to be a religious nun, like the sisters who ran our school. I was discouraged by my mother when I told her this dream. I can’t remember what reason she told me, though, or if she even gave me a reason, or if she just laughed. In any case, the next year, I told her I wanted to be a teacher, just like Mrs. Evangelista, my Grade 1 Adviser. I was, again, dissuaded from pursuing this career by my mother, saying there was no money in the teaching profession. Then, after watching numerous episodes of Little Miss Philippines on the noontime TV show, Eat Bulaga!, I finally set my eyes on what “I wanted to be when I grow up”: a medical doctor.
The imagery was this: I was a pediatrician who went to the rural areas of the country to provide medical services to the community, receiving farm produce as professional fee. This has been my ambition, so to speak, until I took up Biology in 2nd year high school. My hopes were grayed a bit when I realized Biology is not one of my strong points. This was affirmed when I had my Chemistry and Physics classes the succeeding years and I was able to perform better. I was, at that time, confused. I have always wanted to be a doctor but I felt ill-equipped to see that dream through.
Meanwhile, during one of the career talks we attended in 3rd year high school, I realized I could take up Accountancy and be part of the corporate world. I envisioned myself as a tall, slim, chic career woman, complete with the crisp red business suit, shiny designer pumps to match a shiny designer bag, with my hair up in a French twist… and, oh, don’t forget the staple pearl necklace and diamond stud earrings. Still, there was a part of me that yearned to stay in Los Banos and take up a science-based course. If my course choices in my UP application were to say anything about my dreams, it would be that I am a confused little thing who want a bit of everything. For Diliman campus, I applied for a slot in the BS BAA course as my first choice and BS Statistics as my second choice. For the Los Banos campus, it was BS Chemical Engineering and BS Agribusiness. I was convinced that whichever course I will be admitted to, I will be happy.
But happiness eluded me in my college years. Due to the decision I forced upon myself to please and voluntarily appease my parents, I became bitter and resentful. I felt I did not belong in DLSU. I was actually embarrassed for years because out of the 147 graduates of my batch, only three (3) did not go to UP… and I was one of them. The UP pride took a dark turn, resulting to feelings of bitterness. I felt I was better than anybody else in DLSU. My course in DLSU was not even my choice, it was my parents’. Early on, I realized that my strengths did not lie in Marketing Principles, but in Accounting. So, at the very first instance when shifting was allowed, I did so, without telling my parents beforehand. I used these bitter feelings as an excuse not to do well in my academics. I even went to my law subject classes without reading the whole chapter. This is not to say that I really was better than everybody else. On the contrary, I realized later on that there were many brilliant minds on campus --- eons better than I was.
Despite the disappointment of graduating without honors or distinction, I took pride in achieving what most Accountancy graduates covet: the CPA license. I went on to get a job at an accounting firm, performing external audits and bits of management advisory services presented as value-added services of our firm. Although I knew I was not the brightest of our batch in the firm, I enjoyed the work and the perks that came with it. The highly-time-constrained environment fit my workaholic tendencies and enabled my vices of neglecting relationships and own health to form part of my character. It also became the starting point of my roller-coaster work attitude: enthusiasm and fervor to finish the job then feeling tired afterwards. But before I realized there was something wrong with my work habits, my life was redirected. I got pregnant and married in 2002, when I was at the brink of further developing my career in the firm and seriously considering pursuing graduate studies. My pride, yet again, surfaced and it led me to feel regrets.
I tried to make the most of my situation and looked for another job, in the province, which will allow me to take care of my family while still employed. I juggled two (2) jobs: Internal auditor and part-time college instructor at De La Salle Lipa. It was smooth sailing for the first three (3) years, but when I was asked by my parents to resign and help in the family business, I lost sight of my goal somewhat. It was difficult to keep a balanced work and family life. Sales goals were met, but the business took the precious time I could have spent with my family. I thrived in the business development and account management function and it was during this time that I was able to develop my interpersonal skills, including selling and marketing. I also tried three (3) times to run businesses, but I soon got tired of doing everything. Then, the ghosts of the auditing past haunted me. I knew I wasn’t delivering results and controls were all over the place in the family business. I just gave up and looked for another job, accepting one that is a continuation of my internal auditing job at a Lasallian school, but this time, with a larger scope. The job, for me, was my stepping stone to go back to the field of accounting that’s why I stuck with the daily commute from Tanauan City to Manila and back. It was a stepping stone but at the same time a cliff. I did not know how to proceed after that.
It was at this job where I was reunited with someone I can consider my mentor, or one of my role models, at the very least. Ms. Joy was the Administrative Director at De La Salle Lipa when I was still Internal Auditor there, and now, she headed the Institutional Audit Services of De La Salle Philippines, the network organization of De La Salle schools in the Philippines. She did corporate work for ten (10) years then decided to teach at De La Salle Lipa before being recruited for the administrative positions. She played the part of mentor when I was in Lipa and again when I was with her in Manila. She encouraged me and by praising my work, she was able to boost my morale. Personally and professionally, she was able to help me a lot during those two (2) short years I worked with her.
Perhaps, driven by the image of Ms. Joy and how she has been able to balance her career, family, personal and social life, I emulated the good things I saw in her. I yearned for the same balance that she had been able to achieve, but old habits die hard. I was still workaholic and a crammer. When the tide changed at De La Salle Philippines, I decided to jump ship and luckily was given a job as Accounting Supervisor in a manufacturing company in Malvar, Batangas despite my lack in work experience in the industry. I struggled after the first six (6) months and it took its toll on my performance evaluation, but here I am today, as of this writing, still hanging on despite the see-saw of emotions: restlessness and stillness.
Now that I have to declare what my passion is, I decided to trace back my life and reflect on the dreams that have changed with time and circumstances, as well as the crossroads that came with or brought about such changes. Passion, for me, is drive. It is the response of a person to an activity which becomes self-sustaining over time. In simpler terms, when one has passion for something, he or she can do it over and over again, no matter what, with rewards or none. One need not be told to do such things if he or she has passion for it. It is natural and is the reward in itself.
In my search for the passion that drives my being, I have always thought that I have been stuck with the searching for too long. I had regarded the years 1996 to 1999 as my “Dark Ages” while the years 2002 to 2009 as my “Limbo”. I longed for the “Renaissance” to come that I may achieve success in most, if not all, phases of my life: career, family, personal health, spiritual and social life. Now, as I look for the answers, I stop and reflect and think, “What if the answer has been with me all along, but I just hadn’t realized it yet?”
Thus, I made the decision to trace back my life’s dreams to help me realize what I should have realized long ago. From dreaming of becoming a nun, a teacher, a doctor and corporate career woman, I had to filter out some information and look for the common ground. There had to be some commonality among these four (4) professions. I was surprised when I looked at the first three (3) occupations. Previously, I had thought that I did not have an ounce of the “Helper” traits, based on my Enneagram tests. But now, the nun, teacher and doctor, may all point to just that: my desire to help others. What about the career woman image? It bespeaks strongly of my “Achiever” traits --- the desire to be successful. But what about my “4 wing”? Well, I believe that it still is me, influencing my desire to look within myself, my creativity, my reclusive tendencies, etc.
Being a “3” is difficult because there are many layers that I had to lift in order to reveal the real “me”. Based on past experience, I had always thought of teaching as a viable occupation, save for the doubts that my temperamental attitude might not be appropriate for the profession which requires patience. But, looking back, I had dreamed of becoming like Robin Williams’ character in the movie, “Dead Poets’ Society”, the innovative teacher who wanted to make a difference in the lives of others.
Now, piecing all these together, I can say that my passion is to make a difference in the world, and I could do this by achieving my goals in the roles that I play in life. I may be a “Jack (or Jane) of all trades”, that’s why I have trouble focusing, but by learning to be still and instilling self-discipline, I believe I can eventually achieve the balance, the Renaissance, the chocolate truffle in my box of chocolates.
Perhaps it is still not yet clear to me as to the form in which I will be able to make a difference. Perhaps I had been troubled with the objective to make a big difference, ignoring the small differences I have been able to make in the lives of the people I meet. But, life is a journey and it’s about choices. One thing I had learned from encountering crossroads, I realized that for me to make a difference, I do not have to trouble myself finding the perfect situation. Sometimes, I just have to be still and follow the voice of my God. Sometimes, I just have to bloom where I am planted. And for now, that’s what I intend to do.
2012 July 04
(Submitted for TSLEADER class)
The course I chose was not actually the way through which I would have lived my childhood dream. As early as I can remember (I was in 1st Grade perhaps), I had first wanted to be a religious nun, like the sisters who ran our school. I was discouraged by my mother when I told her this dream. I can’t remember what reason she told me, though, or if she even gave me a reason, or if she just laughed. In any case, the next year, I told her I wanted to be a teacher, just like Mrs. Evangelista, my Grade 1 Adviser. I was, again, dissuaded from pursuing this career by my mother, saying there was no money in the teaching profession. Then, after watching numerous episodes of Little Miss Philippines on the noontime TV show, Eat Bulaga!, I finally set my eyes on what “I wanted to be when I grow up”: a medical doctor.
The imagery was this: I was a pediatrician who went to the rural areas of the country to provide medical services to the community, receiving farm produce as professional fee. This has been my ambition, so to speak, until I took up Biology in 2nd year high school. My hopes were grayed a bit when I realized Biology is not one of my strong points. This was affirmed when I had my Chemistry and Physics classes the succeeding years and I was able to perform better. I was, at that time, confused. I have always wanted to be a doctor but I felt ill-equipped to see that dream through.
Meanwhile, during one of the career talks we attended in 3rd year high school, I realized I could take up Accountancy and be part of the corporate world. I envisioned myself as a tall, slim, chic career woman, complete with the crisp red business suit, shiny designer pumps to match a shiny designer bag, with my hair up in a French twist… and, oh, don’t forget the staple pearl necklace and diamond stud earrings. Still, there was a part of me that yearned to stay in Los Banos and take up a science-based course. If my course choices in my UP application were to say anything about my dreams, it would be that I am a confused little thing who want a bit of everything. For Diliman campus, I applied for a slot in the BS BAA course as my first choice and BS Statistics as my second choice. For the Los Banos campus, it was BS Chemical Engineering and BS Agribusiness. I was convinced that whichever course I will be admitted to, I will be happy.
But happiness eluded me in my college years. Due to the decision I forced upon myself to please and voluntarily appease my parents, I became bitter and resentful. I felt I did not belong in DLSU. I was actually embarrassed for years because out of the 147 graduates of my batch, only three (3) did not go to UP… and I was one of them. The UP pride took a dark turn, resulting to feelings of bitterness. I felt I was better than anybody else in DLSU. My course in DLSU was not even my choice, it was my parents’. Early on, I realized that my strengths did not lie in Marketing Principles, but in Accounting. So, at the very first instance when shifting was allowed, I did so, without telling my parents beforehand. I used these bitter feelings as an excuse not to do well in my academics. I even went to my law subject classes without reading the whole chapter. This is not to say that I really was better than everybody else. On the contrary, I realized later on that there were many brilliant minds on campus --- eons better than I was.
Despite the disappointment of graduating without honors or distinction, I took pride in achieving what most Accountancy graduates covet: the CPA license. I went on to get a job at an accounting firm, performing external audits and bits of management advisory services presented as value-added services of our firm. Although I knew I was not the brightest of our batch in the firm, I enjoyed the work and the perks that came with it. The highly-time-constrained environment fit my workaholic tendencies and enabled my vices of neglecting relationships and own health to form part of my character. It also became the starting point of my roller-coaster work attitude: enthusiasm and fervor to finish the job then feeling tired afterwards. But before I realized there was something wrong with my work habits, my life was redirected. I got pregnant and married in 2002, when I was at the brink of further developing my career in the firm and seriously considering pursuing graduate studies. My pride, yet again, surfaced and it led me to feel regrets.
I tried to make the most of my situation and looked for another job, in the province, which will allow me to take care of my family while still employed. I juggled two (2) jobs: Internal auditor and part-time college instructor at De La Salle Lipa. It was smooth sailing for the first three (3) years, but when I was asked by my parents to resign and help in the family business, I lost sight of my goal somewhat. It was difficult to keep a balanced work and family life. Sales goals were met, but the business took the precious time I could have spent with my family. I thrived in the business development and account management function and it was during this time that I was able to develop my interpersonal skills, including selling and marketing. I also tried three (3) times to run businesses, but I soon got tired of doing everything. Then, the ghosts of the auditing past haunted me. I knew I wasn’t delivering results and controls were all over the place in the family business. I just gave up and looked for another job, accepting one that is a continuation of my internal auditing job at a Lasallian school, but this time, with a larger scope. The job, for me, was my stepping stone to go back to the field of accounting that’s why I stuck with the daily commute from Tanauan City to Manila and back. It was a stepping stone but at the same time a cliff. I did not know how to proceed after that.
It was at this job where I was reunited with someone I can consider my mentor, or one of my role models, at the very least. Ms. Joy was the Administrative Director at De La Salle Lipa when I was still Internal Auditor there, and now, she headed the Institutional Audit Services of De La Salle Philippines, the network organization of De La Salle schools in the Philippines. She did corporate work for ten (10) years then decided to teach at De La Salle Lipa before being recruited for the administrative positions. She played the part of mentor when I was in Lipa and again when I was with her in Manila. She encouraged me and by praising my work, she was able to boost my morale. Personally and professionally, she was able to help me a lot during those two (2) short years I worked with her.
Perhaps, driven by the image of Ms. Joy and how she has been able to balance her career, family, personal and social life, I emulated the good things I saw in her. I yearned for the same balance that she had been able to achieve, but old habits die hard. I was still workaholic and a crammer. When the tide changed at De La Salle Philippines, I decided to jump ship and luckily was given a job as Accounting Supervisor in a manufacturing company in Malvar, Batangas despite my lack in work experience in the industry. I struggled after the first six (6) months and it took its toll on my performance evaluation, but here I am today, as of this writing, still hanging on despite the see-saw of emotions: restlessness and stillness.
Now that I have to declare what my passion is, I decided to trace back my life and reflect on the dreams that have changed with time and circumstances, as well as the crossroads that came with or brought about such changes. Passion, for me, is drive. It is the response of a person to an activity which becomes self-sustaining over time. In simpler terms, when one has passion for something, he or she can do it over and over again, no matter what, with rewards or none. One need not be told to do such things if he or she has passion for it. It is natural and is the reward in itself.
In my search for the passion that drives my being, I have always thought that I have been stuck with the searching for too long. I had regarded the years 1996 to 1999 as my “Dark Ages” while the years 2002 to 2009 as my “Limbo”. I longed for the “Renaissance” to come that I may achieve success in most, if not all, phases of my life: career, family, personal health, spiritual and social life. Now, as I look for the answers, I stop and reflect and think, “What if the answer has been with me all along, but I just hadn’t realized it yet?”
Thus, I made the decision to trace back my life’s dreams to help me realize what I should have realized long ago. From dreaming of becoming a nun, a teacher, a doctor and corporate career woman, I had to filter out some information and look for the common ground. There had to be some commonality among these four (4) professions. I was surprised when I looked at the first three (3) occupations. Previously, I had thought that I did not have an ounce of the “Helper” traits, based on my Enneagram tests. But now, the nun, teacher and doctor, may all point to just that: my desire to help others. What about the career woman image? It bespeaks strongly of my “Achiever” traits --- the desire to be successful. But what about my “4 wing”? Well, I believe that it still is me, influencing my desire to look within myself, my creativity, my reclusive tendencies, etc.
Being a “3” is difficult because there are many layers that I had to lift in order to reveal the real “me”. Based on past experience, I had always thought of teaching as a viable occupation, save for the doubts that my temperamental attitude might not be appropriate for the profession which requires patience. But, looking back, I had dreamed of becoming like Robin Williams’ character in the movie, “Dead Poets’ Society”, the innovative teacher who wanted to make a difference in the lives of others.
Now, piecing all these together, I can say that my passion is to make a difference in the world, and I could do this by achieving my goals in the roles that I play in life. I may be a “Jack (or Jane) of all trades”, that’s why I have trouble focusing, but by learning to be still and instilling self-discipline, I believe I can eventually achieve the balance, the Renaissance, the chocolate truffle in my box of chocolates.
Perhaps it is still not yet clear to me as to the form in which I will be able to make a difference. Perhaps I had been troubled with the objective to make a big difference, ignoring the small differences I have been able to make in the lives of the people I meet. But, life is a journey and it’s about choices. One thing I had learned from encountering crossroads, I realized that for me to make a difference, I do not have to trouble myself finding the perfect situation. Sometimes, I just have to be still and follow the voice of my God. Sometimes, I just have to bloom where I am planted. And for now, that’s what I intend to do.
2012 July 04
(Submitted for TSLEADER class)