If only we are really able to divide a couple's married life into definite phases, then each experience would not come as real surprises. My husband and I just recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary and, for a moment, we found ourselves at quite a loss as to how we're supposed to celebrate it and what specifically are we celebrating. We eventually found the answer, but before I reveal that (to those who care to know), allow me to explain the "Phase 3" in the title by describing the first 2 phases of our married life.
Phase 1: Honeymoon In our experience, this covers the first three (3) years of our married life. We felt like we were just playing house. I have a meal plan, and we even go to the market on Sunday mornings for our weekly produce, meat and fish, and Sunday evenings at the grocery for our other pantry and household supplies. We have almost weekly bonding trips with our |
son to the mall or just a lazy weekend at home. We were living in a house built by my parents meant to be rented out as offices. We spent time, effort and money to renovate the space and build a spectacularly-designed bedroom-playroom-library for our son.
There wasn't much conflict at all. It was easy to overlook differences and faults, but the fact remains that we see them. It's just that our visions (and thinking processes) were clouded with the euphoria of being together and living how we want to live.
There wasn't much conflict at all. It was easy to overlook differences and faults, but the fact remains that we see them. It's just that our visions (and thinking processes) were clouded with the euphoria of being together and living how we want to live.
Phase 2: Reality Adjustment Of course, I don't have a photo of us quarreling. But for you to appreciate this photo of us lighting a sky lantern last New Year's Eve, I would have to give you a short background of what has happened from Year 3-10. It was a period of mostly downhill, but gradual, events in our relationship. The overlooked differences have now built up within our individual selves and we had to choose, not just once, whether to fight for our relationship or not. It wasn't such a big surprise, like having a bomb get dropped on your lap. Rather, it was those conflicts we chose to sit on and cover up before that crept their way out and snuck upon us. We were two different people from totally different backgrounds. We had differences in |
opinion and perspectives, as well as approaches to problems and conflicts. Those 7 years led us to care less and hurt more, be less anxious and more upset. Suddenly, the queen-sized bed was not as big as it once was. It was frustrating... for both of us.
My life was preoccupied with taking care of our son, making day-to-day decisions in the family business. I wasn't able to cope with the demands of my time, that I had to let go of my wife and house manager duties. The result: unhappy husband.
Unhappy husband meant him coming home late and spending more time in the office with his office friends. It meant him talking less and less with me. It meant him letting me do major decisions and leaving me be. The result: unhappy wife.
It was easy to just give up and choose to separate. However, the fact remained that we were already married and we gave our word not only to ourselves but to our God, in front of the 250+ guests who attended our wedding ceremony. This was, at least for me, what kept me going.
We were able to attend a marriage retreat which helped us cope with the adjustment period we were going through since we hit the 5-year mark as a married couple. It was not a quick fix though, but it was just right. We had to learn many things about ourselves, about each other, and most especially about relationships. It was different from having relationships with your immediate family who can accept whoever you may be. We learned that "it always takes two to tango" and that we had to create our own family, in the values sense of the way. We shouldn't shove down each other's throats the family values and imagery we have built over the years and establish those as our standards. It was a difficult journey but here, during the New Year's Eve of 2013, we lit a sky lantern and let it go with our silent prayers. As we watched it ascend quickly unto the sky, I prayed for better relationships. Which leads us to the current phase:
My life was preoccupied with taking care of our son, making day-to-day decisions in the family business. I wasn't able to cope with the demands of my time, that I had to let go of my wife and house manager duties. The result: unhappy husband.
Unhappy husband meant him coming home late and spending more time in the office with his office friends. It meant him talking less and less with me. It meant him letting me do major decisions and leaving me be. The result: unhappy wife.
It was easy to just give up and choose to separate. However, the fact remained that we were already married and we gave our word not only to ourselves but to our God, in front of the 250+ guests who attended our wedding ceremony. This was, at least for me, what kept me going.
We were able to attend a marriage retreat which helped us cope with the adjustment period we were going through since we hit the 5-year mark as a married couple. It was not a quick fix though, but it was just right. We had to learn many things about ourselves, about each other, and most especially about relationships. It was different from having relationships with your immediate family who can accept whoever you may be. We learned that "it always takes two to tango" and that we had to create our own family, in the values sense of the way. We shouldn't shove down each other's throats the family values and imagery we have built over the years and establish those as our standards. It was a difficult journey but here, during the New Year's Eve of 2013, we lit a sky lantern and let it go with our silent prayers. As we watched it ascend quickly unto the sky, I prayed for better relationships. Which leads us to the current phase:
Phase 3: Two's a Company I don't have a name yet for this phase, but I would like to hope that for the coming years, my husband and I will essentially be able to harness our differences to move our relationship forward. There should no longer be a standoff. We have accepted that we are two unique individuals who chose to be together and start our own family. We are both quite independent and we should both respect each other's individuality and personal space. This doesn't mean, however, that we are to live as separate persons under the pretensions of a shared home. Rather, it is just our way of keeping true to ourselves within the boundaries of married life without losing track of our promise to stay together in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, 'til death do us part... all for the sake of the | new family we have been called to start and nurture. We are ministers of a sacred calling, annointed and thus, made responsible for the formation of the children entrusted to us, as well as a standing symbol or representative of the sacrament of marriage in the eyes of those who care to care. This is not to say that we need to be pressured by the standards of the majority |
when it comes to married life. On the contrary, taking our ministerial duty to heart would mean looking deep within ourselves in defining what our ministry means in order for us to act accordingly to our calling.
On our 11th year, my husband and I are taking each step in easy strides. We will cherish each day, finding comfort in each other as we both enjoy our lives and their different aspects with the hope of being blessed with more evenings to snuggle in and mornings to find ourselves in each other's embrace.
On our 11th year, my husband and I are taking each step in easy strides. We will cherish each day, finding comfort in each other as we both enjoy our lives and their different aspects with the hope of being blessed with more evenings to snuggle in and mornings to find ourselves in each other's embrace.
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